What is shame? For me, it has been a part of my being and becoming as I navigate the worlds of gender in and outside of me.
It has been a part of my drive to work hard to repay my immigrant parents for what they have sacrificed for me.
It has been, and now more than ever, a force pushing me to be a better ally to Black people.
The thing about shame is that it tells you that you are inherently flawed. It eats away at pride and joy and fills you with dread and pain. It can fill you with a hunger to be more. But it can also just hurt you.
I was never taught how to deal with shame in a healthy way. I always thought I needed to feel its negativity as some sort of punishment.
Just as I admit I am ashamed of being transgender at times (internalized transphobia does its job well I suppose), I will admit that I am ashamed of the privilege I have in being a light-skinned person of color. I feel shame in my privilege in growing up in a town with economic and educational opportunity. I feel shame in being largely protected from discrimination because of the color of my skin. I feel shame in benefitting from a system that subversively and actively hurts and disenfranchises Black people. Although I deal with personal issues regarding my own identities, I still benefit from the different privileges I have. I am ashamed to benefit from this as I watch Black people suffer and die from afar.
Repressing shame does no good. It does not give one the opportunity to critically examine why they are uncomfortable, why they feel the way that they do. All repression does is reinforce the idea that emotions should not be examined because just feeling makes one weak. But neglecting emotions just makes us weaker.
Learning to process shame has been one of the most important tools for my self growth. Processing shame allows me to be vulnerable and empathetic in a way that lets me validate my emotions while also giving me space to question why I’m feeling what I’m feeling. Processing shame allows me to self-evaluate, and at the same time understand how my experiences have led me to feel the things I feel. Why was I avoiding certain discussions? Why did I not seek solutions to problems that were right in front of me? Why was I not doing enough? How could I do more? Instead of berating myself for not having done more to support Black rights while living in a town with a 99% white population that was upper-middle class and casually racist, I try to just do what I can.
There are a multitude of reasons why I did not and could not do more to help others then. As an ethnic minority in my school I felt untrusting of many of my peers. In discovering my bisexuality and gender non-conformity I felt unsupported. My family did not have the resources or connections to help give me a solid sense of community.
I know that my strength lies in my vulnerability. Every day that I exist is another day to be an ally, another day to push social justice movements forward, another day to work towards where my heart is pushing me. I want to help communities of color flourish. I want to see people of color, especially Black people in this country regain the fruits of their work and history, regain their land, regain community, regain love and life to the fullest extent possible. I want to encourage intersectionality in these spaces, I want transgender people of color to feel safe enough to exist as they are. I want Black trans people to stop being murdered. That is why I try to work with nonprofits and organizations whose goals and programs benefit people of color and address systemic racism and injustices. I sign petitions, donate, and share my learned knowledge when I can.
Shame isn't about me - it is about how I perceive my place in this self-constructed world. It is about my environment just as much (or more) as it is about who I am as a person. It is also not an inherently bad thing. Shame lets me analyze my own behavior, my own learned beliefs, and how I learned to exist from the people around me. Shame allows me to become a better person. Shame allows me to listen more than I speak when it comes to supporting Black people. Shame allows me to learn more than if I had never truly listened to what shame had to say in the first place.
As Black people work towards power and freedom of their design, I will continue to be their ally. I will continue questioning myself and others, keep having conversation, keep listening to what Black people have to say. If my strength lies in my vulnerability, I will use it not just for my own good and healing, but for the healing of a nation that has for far too many years hurt the people it touches.